Calculus

I haven't written here in almost a year (though I have one post in draft from six months or so ago), but I have been plodding along, working my way up the stairwell from the underground onto level footing to begin my degree. I've finally started "coming out of the closet" regarding my major and professional goals, and it feels good. Now if I can just live up to those dreams...

This will be my last semester of classes I "should have taken" in high school (algebra-based physics and calculus I), and next semester I'll begin the real work of pursuing a physics degree. I managed to ace college algebra and produced a very respectable B in a condensed-session trigonometry course.

But in two weeks, I start calculus, and I'll confess, I'm terrified.


My friends who took calculus in high school or college tell me it's not as hard as it looks, that I'm smart and I'll be fine. My brother-in-law took calculus three times before earning a C and he is now employed as a mechanical engineer. I know on an intellectual level that I'll probably be fine. But as one of my favorite authors has said, "Intellectual understanding does not always bring visceral belief." (Orson Scott Card, Xenocide)

I have an irrational fear of drowning in calculus. Maybe it's just a function (ha!) of how math-terrified the general population is, of how calculus is whispered of as though it were a medieval torture device. But even having had two semesters of precalculus and having done well at them, I look at my calculus textbook and it is a foreign language.

This is a big step for me. Much as I held precalculus as a marker of my probable success, calculus fits that role even more so. If I can't do calculus, I can't do physics. Calculus is the language of my chosen profession and if you can't speak the language, you can't be a physicist.

I'm determined to speak the language, one way or another.

Patience is a Virtue

The problem with making life-altering decisions is that you get impatient to get started. Or at least I do. Halfway through the fall semester (when I'm not taking classes), I came to the conclusion that I want to study physics and astronomy at a respectable university. In order to do that, I have to take several semesters worth of math and at least one course each of physics & astronomy.

But I have to wait until next semester to start.

Next semester is TWO MONTHS AWAY.

I also made the mistake of following a twitter search of "physics OR astronomy" on Tweet Deck and lots of people are talking about their physics and/or astronomy homework, which just makes me more jealous. I feel like my life is hanging in balance, and that I'm holding this lofty goal in my mind without really knowing if I can even hack precalculus.

I need to get these math courses under my belt before I can feel confident actually stating my goals (what? I haven't even told YOU my goals yet, beyond an undergraduate degree? see, I told you I'm self-conscious about them) out loud to anyone other than my husband, and I am impatient to do so.